I wonder, quite often actually, what it would be like to be someone's lover. To have a woman actually want me. Rather than sugar words with pretending to, but never really meaning any of it. I just wonder what it would be like to be ... well .. liked. In that way. Huh. To have someone to share things with .... To have someone who's not afraid or disgusted by my love. By being seen with me. By me .....
My mood: extremely lonely
Have been reading in a few experience pages about people talking about doing positive affermations. And they sort of make it sound like it's the be all and end all 'wonder cure'. And for some, maybe it works. But they often seem to forget, or just plain ignore, what happens when it doesn't work. I can stand in front of a mirror and tell myself that I'm worth something, that I'm intelligent, creative, that I'd be a great boyfriend, a great lover, and one day a great husband and father. I can stand there and tell myself that, while not beautiful or attractive, I'm not ugly either. I can stand there and tell myself all of that. I believe it.
And then I go out, and get hit with the complete opposite. I see couples walking along, holding hands, and yet I look at mine, that have never held anyone. I see people hugging, and yet I can't remember what that's like. I've never cuddled. I see two people kiss, and I know, deep inside me, that I have no idea what that feels like. I get told that I'm ugly. Always have for most of my life. Either in words, or in nobody ever even trying to touch me. I get told I'm worthless. And a failure. I don't even have anyone to have a meal with, or even just a conversation. I go out, and try to fit in to the world, and to meet people, but I always come home alone.
So I stand in front of the mirror again. And I say those 'positive affermations' to myself. Over. And over. But it doesn't feel that it means much, if I'm the only one who believes them.
I guess a lot of people like to tell others how they should feel. Seems to be happening a lot lately. Maybe it makes them feel big. Gives them a sence of power and control. Because emotions can be uncomfortable to some people. Even how other people feel can uncomfortable to them. So they issue orders. Command others on how they think that they should feel. And when someone doesn't follow those orders, they're called ungrateful, and selfish. Huh. To try and control how others feel, to make it more comfortable and conveniant for you. I wonder, who really is the selfish one?
Anyway. I know what I write here is just .... well, ashes blown to the wind really. Nobody takes any notice. So. Maybe it's time to say goodbye to EP. Time to say goodbye to a lot of things. But not many people ....
She’s not paying attention. I draw my index finger slowly down the lines on the palm of her hand, as she stands there. Her mind and eyes are elsewhere for this moment. But as I take her hand fully in mine, she turns. And smiles. At me ...
I don't usually do this. Messages between people are private, unless left on the whiteboard or other public areas. But this time, I just feel that I have to:
sammylou4u Dec 30, 2010 3:29 PM
sometimes in life you just got to accept that some people are born winners, like myself. and then some people are losers-for-life...like you. you'll never amount to anything and people will always look down on you. better get used to it geek
From now on, if you leave an inuslting or abusive comment, about me or another EP member, I will block you. And report you.
If you leave any comments advocating violence, against other people or animals, I will block you. And report you.
I'm sick of the bullying on EP.
What I really want, is to feel loved. That just for once, somebody would be afraid of losing me. Like I’m a priority, not just an option that’s never chosen. I just wish someone would really care enough to stay in my life, and not walk out ...
I guess I should stop posting photos of myself. EP is probably sick of the sight of me anyway.
It felt like it might storm this afternoon. It’s supposed to. I hoped it would. We were supposed to get a storm yesterday. But it never eventuated. Last night the moon was yellow. It’s edge shrouded in a haze. I should have taken a photo. But really, I was caught in that half-asleep mood. The night air was cool, and it felt good after a hot and humid Saturday.
But now it’s Sunday. The clouds are thick. There’s a heaviness in the air. I went out, took some photos. Got some shopping that I needed. And the Sunday newspapers. When I got home, I had the place to myself. So I climbed into the lounge-chair. I ended up with one of the half opened newspapers covering my by then nakedness.
Because I can. And it’s one of the few sensual things I can do. Alone.
Waiting naked for a storm ....
I feel asleep. In that chair. Waiting for that storm that never arrived. It’s like waiting for a promised phone call. One that never happens.
I wonder what it would be like, to be curled up together, naked, on this chair. Feeling the warmth of your body. Looking at you in the half-light of this overcast evening. Listening to your voice, as we talk about nothing.
Stretched my arm out, and opened my hand, out into this empty world. Where are you?
Where are you ....
It's almost summer. I always have mixed feelings about this season. While I love the ocean, and the thunderstorms, it’s also a time when I sense the loneliness maybe more intensley than any other time of the year. It’s the end of the year. That’s one thing. Christmas time. And even though I might get to see my nephews, it will mean having to see other members of the family too. And when my nephews, and other younger members of the family, call out for their fathers … “Daddy!” … How deeply it cuts into me, I can’t find the words to describe it. And New Years Eve, of course. In some ways, it’s worse than Christmas. If you can’t be with family, you should be with friends, and people you love, having fun and enjoying the night. Yet it’s not so fun when your not invited anywhere. Even if I go out on my own, there won’t be any suprise midnight kiss from a stranger. Or even a hug. The luckiest I’ll be is to have a threat of physical violence against me, because I look at a girl, or stand a little too near a group or something.
It would be nice to watch a summer thunderstorm, or even just lay out on the grass in a park late in the afternoon. With someone next to me. A hand to hold. To just share a moment before summer ….
It was just another Friday bus ride home. Raining again. Young couple on seat in front of me. All over each other. When I was their age, it was just a dream to do that. Huh. It still is. Look out the window. It’s a world I don’t really belong in … Those two start to climb down each others throat. How many times have I been told I’ll never experience that? And each time, they were right. Always right. Scan the bus for another seat. Old lady nearby looks at me, and makes a point of moving some of her shopping onto the vacant seat next to her. The two mumble words between their endeavours to publicly devour each other. “I love you much” … lucky you. I wish my love was valued. That I had someone to say it to. And here it from. “I want you”. Dude, I think you have her. It would be nice to be wanted. Really wanted. Even for just one night …..
Is it wrong to be tired of seeing so many other people in love?
When all you want, is to share the same thing ....
Not that I haven't been in love before. Of course I have. If you've my OD, or if you know me, then you know that I have been. And in some aspects, I still am. It's just that it seems like that, when I love ... well ... it's like I'm not really allowed to love. Or at least, I should know well enough by now not to recieve any love in return. I always have to say goodbye. My love is laughed at. Used.
I want to be out there, holding your hand as we walk in the sun
I laid awake most of last night. Rubbing my hand up and down the empty side of the bed. Wishing. And wanting. To know what it is like to have someone there. For even just one night. Just one morning.
Just one morning ....
I remember, being 5 or 6 years old, standing out the back of my Nans place, one cold night in winter. Her house backed on to water, and I can still here the sound of the gentle waves, a lapping, like a dog or cat drinking. But most of all, I remember looking up. At a sky full of stars. Even at that age, I knew the concepts of each star being a sun, of other galaxies, and that the universe was esentially endless. I remember standing there, alone, and although it wasn’t the first time I had felt lonely, I think it may have been the first time I felt insignificant. And even now, I can look up at a night sky, and I still feel that same thing. That same desire. The same need. To belong. Rejected by the family I was born in to. And it seems as though I'm not allowed to know any other. But most of all, just wanting that feeling, to feel someones fingers against my palm, and then … looking up, holding a hand .... and NOT feeling so like this .. so lonely ..
I wish there was someone to cuddle with tonight. Even if only in emotion, and words. Why isn't there some one, out there, that wants me? I mean me. Not what I can do. But just me .... ?
Home. Watching rain-drops fall down the window. I just want to hold someone, so badly, I’m shaking. And I’m sure my eyes must match the window. Even if I can’t feel it.
Someone today, told me that I should convince myself that I’m better off alone. I wonder, how they’d feel, to be here, feeling this right now.
The EP bullies are loose again. Seeking to fill their pathetic little lives with some feeling of power. They seek to only destroy. And so often, they win.
The rain is beating on the window now. A rythmic rapping. I just want to say, I love you …
It was the early hours of the morning. A quick glance at the clock, told me it was 4:40am. Laying there. Staring at the place blue/grey light that filters in under the blind on my window. The bed feels so terribly small. Yet also unfathomly big. In that darkness, I can't even describe how it hurts to want to hear someone's voice. To be able to lay there, even at this hour, and talk. Or even to just hear someone else's breathing. And be able to feel their presence, their warmth ... even the smell of someone else next to me. The radio just isn't an ample substitute. Nor is music. I feel so ... alone. And I've lain here. Like this. Almost every night of my life.
And then. Awake. Sleep was sudden. But the dream. The dream remains. One of laying there. With someone. The feeling, I won't describe. Most who read this will know it far better than I can relate. The feeling, even the physical feeling, seems to linger. Just for a moment.
Only a moment.
It's Rocky's birthday today (November 1). He's 13.
Was told again today, that I should get a "mail order bride", since apparently that's the only way I'm going to get to have, or experience, any of the social and romantic/sexual things that are important to me. I asked the person who said it why they thought that that was the only way I'd get those things, and they said that I'm just not likeable enough for anyone to want to try. It's not a physical thing. Or a personality thing. I'm just not likeable enough. Huh. And then they went and said .... "I don't mean to be hurtful". HA! Just a bit too late for that. But then, I did ask. And I guess I should know that already, right?
The trip home wasn't very good either. Waited for over an hour for a bus. And of course, when it did show up, the next bus due was right behind it. Anyway. While I was waiting, I wrote this on my iPod Touch:
It’s raining. And thundering. The lightning is barely visible in the grey late afternoon light. I’m waiting for a bus that seemingly may never appear. The only other people waiting are a boy and girl from the High School across the road. But they seem happy to wait. Forever. Being as interested in each other as they are. I wonder if there is anything wrong with feeling so uncomfortable being near a couple kissing. I feel like I’m an intruder. Even though I was waiting here first. At the same time, I feel so incredibly small. So insignificant. I remember walking into that very same school for the first time, in 1989. 21 years ago. My first day of High School. Trying to believe, to hope, that the next 6 years would be different, and better, than the previous 6. Thinking that, with so many different kids from different schools all now thrown together, I would find friends. Real friends. That I would meet girls. And eventually, find a girl that liked me …. but, 21 years later, I’m still trying to find those things. Socially, and sexually, I feel stuck, still on that day in ‘89. So the rain falls. And they continue to kiss. And I wait to go home to my cat.
It is like that. Socially, and sexually, I haven't moved forward since the age of 12. Every attempted step forward has only been met by a push that sends me 100 steps back. And now. And now I'm just expected to "pay for it". That's the best I can hope for. The only thing ... the only contact ... I'll be allowed. It doesn't help when my sister rang last night, to say that she had taken her two sons out trick-or-treating. Only around to family and friends. But one of the friends they visited was my eldest nephew's little girlfriend. Who gave him a treat. A little kiss. Not that that was his first. Apparently, she gives him a little kiss when they leave to go home after pre-school every Wedensday afternoon. A 5 year old has more of a social life than me. A 5 year old has more of a love life than me. More than I've ever had. And apparently, more already than I ever will. And apparently, all of this is supposed to have absolutely NO effect on my self-esteem ....I'm just not likeable enough for anyone to even want to try ....
Today is difficult. Maybe part of me thinks that it shouldn't be. But it is. Woke up before 9am. Didn't get up until almost 4pm. There's just no energy. And I don't mean the physical kind. I wake up, and I know, the first thing that hits me is that I'm waking up alone. Again. 34, and I've never shared a bed with another person. I don't know what it feels like to have someone next to you. Then, of course, it all sinks in. No matter where I go today. No matter what I try to do. There will be barely any conversation with anyone. I can try. But it won't happen. And hitting me even harder, is that there is even LESS chance of any physical contact with another person. Let alone anything romantic. Or sexual.
So while people recover from last nights party. Or go off to a new one today. Spend time in the park, or at the beach, with their families and friends. Or just hold the hand of somoene they love.
I can't do any of that.
Not even allowed to say I love you. Since that always ends in disaster. And nobody wants me to ....
Text on a screen becomes all there is. During the week, will shuffle off to do my volunteer work. Which so many assured me would make me feel better. And yet it doesn't. If anything, it just reminds me of how isolated, and rejected, from everything I truely am.
I'm the monster that can't come out on Halloween. All the other monsters don't like me either ...
Friday. It's supposed to be a good day, right? When you look forward to the weekend. Spend time with friends, or family. Or both. Go off to parties, or a dinner out. Spend the day at the beach, or in a park. Or just stay and laze around home, spending time with that special someone in your life. Fridays are supposed to be good ...
Yet, if I go out, I have to go alone. A walk along a beach. Alone. To the shops, and look at things I might like. And sometimes, buy them. But alone. Sit and read a book. Alone. Try to find something to take photos of. Alone. Go out to dinner, and sit there .. alone ..
Keep trying. But when your there alone .. and always alone .. there doesn't seem to be a whole lot worth trying for. It's OK to tell someone to do it. When you don't have to do it yourself.
And even though Halloween is still a novelty here, even tonight, there have been groups of people going down the street. All dressed up. Witches. The Twilight inspired vampies. Harry Potter. Zombies. And even several evil looking "goth fairies". All laughing and having fun. Fun. Something I'm not allowed to have. Huh, oh, of course, people will say that I'm allowed to have fun. But it's not. It's not fun for me ...
Fun, now, is being able to share something. With someone. To feel, and know, the physical and emotional connection. To even be able to turn, and look at her face in the flickering light of a cinema, or even just the TV. To feel the sand between my toes, and see it between hers. To share the salty smell of the ocean. To touch foreheads and look into her eyes. And feel that hand in mine.
It's one of those nights. It's slightly stormy. Not close. It's out at sea. Can hear the occasional distant rumble. And see the blue, white, and yellowish flashes. Sometimes, there is a brief shower of rain. Although it's not even rain really. Just a faint drizzle. Enough to make that rain smell. But not enough to really make even the road wet. It's not cold. And yet it's not warm either. It's a night I wish I could be out. Go out to the coast. To the beaches. Or the look-out points. Take photos. But really, most of all, I just want to be out there with someone. Talk while we watch the far away storm. Talk while we look at the lights of town, hemmed in on one side by the ocean, and on the other by the lake. Talk while we listen to the waves. To their crash and roar in the darkness. Smell the salt. The perfume of the sea. And I'd like to be able to look ... look at you while we talk, look at your face in the blue darkness, and your eyes, reflecting the small lights of civilization, the distant lightning. To hear your voice against the performance of the ocean, the multitude of drums on waves and thunder. And most of all. Maybe rather meekly. I'd like to be seeing all this, hearing it ... and feeling your hand in mine ....
There's a storm around right now. Dark clouds, the flash of lightning and the low rumble of thunder. Not much rain though. Anyway. It would be nice to be able to watch this .. or any .. storm with someone. I've always wanted to do that. Same with a starry night sky. Still haven't laid out on a rug or blanket with someone, and looked up at the stars .. and talked .. holding hands.
I haven't found any woman who wants to do that ... with me ...
Previous PostsWonder, posted January 7th, 2013
Affermations, posted December 10th, 2011
Possible Goodbyes, posted January 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
Quiet Suprise, posted January 7th, 2011, 1 comment
What is becoming of EP?, posted January 1st, 2011, 3 comments
From now on ..., posted December 14th, 2010
An Option, posted December 13th, 2010, 3 comments
No More?, posted December 5th, 2010
Sunday, in an Empty World, posted November 28th, 2010, 1 comment
Moments before Summer, posted November 26th, 2010
Just One Night ..., posted November 19th, 2010
Just One Morning, posted November 13th, 2010, 1 comment
The Universe and Me, posted November 9th, 2010
Window, posted November 5th, 2010, 2 comments
Night Moments, posted November 3rd, 2010, 1 comment
November Rain, posted November 1st, 2010, 2 comments
Halloween by Day, posted October 31st, 2010
Fridays ..., posted October 29th, 2010, 3 comments
Lonely Rain, posted October 27th, 2010
Storms and Stars, posted October 23rd, 2010
Black & White, posted October 9th, 2010
Money, posted September 5th, 2010, 1 comment
Tears on Photos, posted August 14th, 2010, 5 comments
Nudity Calling, posted November 10th, 2008
Don't know how to Kiss, posted November 6th, 2008, 1 comment
Nobody will read this ..., posted November 2nd, 2008, 3 comments
The Lonely No, posted October 17th, 2008
Stop Fighting, posted October 9th, 2008
No Suprise., posted September 12th, 2008
Everything is Wrong, posted September 8th, 2008
Life isn't that wonderful., posted August 10th, 2008
Power and Control, posted July 27th, 2008
Not Important, posted July 25th, 2008
This won't be pretty ..., posted July 23rd, 2008
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